I Am Not a Train Conductor

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 One of the most eye-opening things I have learned from the ongoing pandemic is that I don't need to personally have any type of social/familial relationship with victims of SARS-CoV-2 in order to have my life derailed. This truth actually makes me feel really guilty. I am not grieving the loss of anyone close to me. I am not the recipient of any racist actions stemming from the pandemic. But my body still seems to feel I should jump the tracks from [relatively] normal functioning to...something else.

My symptoms: I have never been obsessed with food--even though I like baking--but now I think about what to eat ALL THE TIME. One of my favorite things about eventide these days is that it is such a short time of consciousness between bedtime and breakfast-time. I think of it as a very-toned-down Christmas every morning: Hurray! It is time for my favorite meal! A couple years ago, one of my friends told me that she is always thinking about what she can eat next, even if she has just had a meal. At the time, I didn't understand that mindset, and assumed her food cravings stemmed from the fact that she had dietary restrictions. I get it, now. Good gravy, it's distracting!

Also, these days what I choose to be responsible in is a little nonsensical. I have been organizing (i.e. throwing away) a bunch of different files--I am positive that I chucked at least 5 pounds of various papers--but have been ignoring filing taxes, or reading/responding to non-work communications.... And now whatever I do, I do obsessively...with the exception of exercising, which I'm doing half-heartedly.

The really frustrating symptom, though, is just a general sense of restlessness. Life can feel so monotonous, but I have such a hard time doing anything to change that. I want to go somewhere, but I can't think where. I want to do something, but I can't think what. It makes me feel crazy. Loco.

I want to know who is driving this locomotive.  


Comments

  1. EricaMarch 7, 2021 at 8:30 PM

    I totally get the feeling. The sensation that I need to be doing something, but I don't know what has been nagging me for months

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lindaswenson2020@gmail.comMarch 9, 2021 at 8:42 PM

    It’s like not needing to go anywhere unless the car is in for repairs.

    ReplyDelete

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