bruisingly honest, but not for your benefit

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I'm not sure this post is for my benefit either. I don't know why I am writing this. It's just the sort of thing that I'd write in a journal, but I don't keep a journal. I keep a blog.
I told a friend the other day that I felt like I was "nesting in" (usually only occurs to pregnant ladies) because I kept rearranging/re-decorating my living room, and I had more intense mood variations. Since we both know that I'm not pregnant, she suggested maybe it was a sign that I was going to get married soon. I find that just slightly less impossible than the pregnant answer.
Here's the thing: I want to date guys, generally, but when it comes to guys, specifically, I pretty much freak (Just inside. Or to really close friends). It is so frustrating. If I were a shrink, I'd tell you what's going on, but I'm not, so I don't know. What I have figured out so far is that I absolutely must know the guy (in a general, observational way) for at least 6 months, because I don't really relax around new people. The guy also must not super-obviously pursue me, because then I question his motives, and get nervous.  Guilty until proven innocent. For my part, I've figured out that if I like a guy, usually I interact with him less (why exactly, I don't know). I've also noticed that sometimes I psyche myself so much into feeling safe around said guy that it can lead to emotional attachment before there's any reciprocity.
Hey, I know, it's stupid. That's my point. I know what I'm doing is not likely to lead to my goal, but for some reason I do it anyway. On the plus side, I've taken some lyrics from songs to describe my dating life:

Honey, I'm still free. take a chance on me [abba]

Just a small-town girl/living in a lonely world...Don't stop believing! [journey]

You could be my unintended...You could be the one I'll always love/I'll be there as soon as I can/ But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before [muse]

And it feels like I am just too close to love you [Alex Clare]

All alone, staring off, watching her life go by [the corrs]

Goodbye, my almost lover/Goodbye, my hopeless dream/I'm trying not to think about you [a fine frenzy]

Twenty years, it's breaking you down/now that you understand there's no one around/ Take a breath, just take a seat/ you're falling apart and tearing at the seams/ Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why/ Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright/ It's on your face, is it on your mind/ would you care to build a house of your own/ How much longer, how long can you wait [The Fray]

I'm here without you, but you're on my lonely mind [3 doors down] 

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